


Quid Pro Quo

by JaycieVictory



Series: Sealed with a Kiss [7]
Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Blackmail, F/M, Humor, Jayne's Hat, Post-Miranda, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 19:47:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3662733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaycieVictory/pseuds/JaycieVictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayne doesn't kiss on the mouth - but River does. A collection of unrelated one-shots and ficlets in which River kisses Jayne. Moods vary hugely. Multiple POVs and scenarios.</p>
<p>Part 7: The Crazy Girl had hold of his cunning hat. This was never going to end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quid Pro Quo

**Author's Note:**

> I first wrote this before the new comic series came out i.e. before it was confirmed Zoë and Wash's baby was a girl.
> 
> For anyone who may be curious, the layout of the ship for this and other fics in this series is taken from Joss Whedon and Carey Meyer's sketch of Serenity, which can be found on the Wikipedia entry wiki/Serenity_(Firefly_vessel)#Interior.

**Quid Pro Quo**

The crew of Serenity looked up from their card game as Jayne's angry shout rang out, echoing through the ship.

"Looks like River's teasin' Jayne again," Zoë commented placidly, one hand holding her cards whilst the other curved protectively round baby Hoby sleeping in his sling.

"Looks like," Mal agreed, not even looking up.

The next thing they knew, River came flying down the hall, past were they were sitting in the dining room, and out the other side. Moments later, Jayne came barrelling after her, still bellowing.

"Jayne seems awful mad," Kaylee remarked.

Simon patted her hand. "Don't worry – the ape is too slow for my  _mei-mei._ He'll never catch her." _  
_

"Unless she wants to be caught," Zoë murmured. But nobody heard.

* * *

"Give it back, Crazy!" Jayne's tone was threatening. "Give it  _back!"_

Scrambling up the catwalk, River held the prized possession just out of reach.

Jayne made a futile leap from the cargo bay floor; River immediately raised her arm so that he just missed.

Jayne paused, considering his options. He could race up to the catwalk and try to corner the  _fēng diān_ moonbrain there, but chances were she'd just leap down 'fore he could. And even if he  _did_ happen to catch her, she had all those tricksy combat skills up her sleeve... not to mention several knives as well. Once upon a time it might have galled to hafta be wary of a slip of a girl, to admit that she might best him hand-to-hand, but after Miranda, Jayne didn't have it in him to be embarrassed. Anyone who could take on a peck of gorram  _Reavers_ and live to tell the tale was worthy of some careful handlin'. In the right frame of mind, the girl was most likely the best ruttin' weapon in the known 'verse.

Didn't mean she weren't a total brat at times, though. At this point, River smiled smugly and tenderly settled the object of their argument on her head. Jayne scowled, both at the sight of the orange hat his Ma had knit real special just for him on River's head, and at the possible implication that she was Reading his thoughts. The timin' of that action had been a mite pat.

"Alrigh', Crazy" he growled. "You had yer fun. You gonna give me my hat back now?"

River shook her head. "Quid pro quo."

Jayne scowled again. "Wha...?"

"You can't get somethin' fer nothin'." She slipped into a Rim accent, then back out again. "You can only gain the object of your desire by proffering something of equal or greater value."

Jayne's expression was wary. "What do you want?"

A smile stretched River's mouth wide. "A topper for a kiss."

Jayne looked baffled. "Say wha'?"

River pouted. "Wordplay is squandered on Serenity's denizens. No copper this time – no thirty pieces of silver – in lieu, a simple trade: the girl will give the topper," she flicked one of the hat's earflaps, making Jayne's nostrils flare, "in exchange for a kiss. On the mouth," she added, in case it wasn't clear.

Jayne's jaw dropped. "Are you  _crazy?"_

"Last test was inconclusive. The girl has journeyed far since Miranda, but..." She trailed off with an expressive "Who knows?" air that chilled Jayne's blood.

"Don't make no difference, anyhow," Jayne said decisively. "I don't kiss on the mouth. And I sure as hell ain't kissing a gorram child! Mal would shoot me straight out the airlock 'fore the spit even dried on my lips."

River wrinkled her nose, but any hopes Jayne might have that his turn of phrase had put her off faded with her next words.

"The girl is nineteen, ergo the girl is not a child." She paused, head cocked. "Would it help if she started to refer to herself as 'the woman'?"

Jayne harrumphed at that, but was inwardly surprised. Nineteen? When had that happened? Sure, now he looked more close he could see River seemed a mite older than when she'd first stumbled out the box... but then, River had always had a strange trick of seemin' older than her years one moment, then like a gorram toddler the next. (She still hadn't mastered eatin' Ice Planets.)

Jayne suddenly realised his silence had been fatal: in those few short seconds, River's face had lit up, and she'd sat down on the catwalk as if about to jump down to him.

Jayne leapt back, hands defensively raised. "No, no, no! You could be forty, and the answer'd still be no!"

River glowered at him, then her expression cleared. "Okay." She shrugged and got back to her feet. "The woman can respect Jayne's choices." Jayne watched her warily; her expression was practically angelic – that tended to be when she was at her most dangerous. But even with his senses on alert, he was still taken by surprise when River suddenly dashed along the catwalk in the opposite direction from him. Cursing, he scrambled up the stairs after her.

They raced back past the crew. Jayne had just enough time to hear Simon's smug "Told you", then the chase took him out of earshot.

He lost her somewhere between the dining room and the bridge. There were a limited number of places for River to go, so Jayne figured his chances were good of catchin' up to her – then he remembered how River had somehow managed to avoid a  _hún dàn_  bounty hunter for hours, at which point he cursed and redoubled his efforts.

He had reached the crew dorms, and River was nowhere to be seen. She musta doubled back on him and used the other stairwell back down to the lower deck! Retracing his steps with a snarl, he finally spotted her on the cargo bay floor; a reversal of their earlier positions. She was standing still, smiling up at him; there was no sign of the hat.

Jayne paused, senses jangling. His eyes snapped round, trying to find the trap he could feel with every nerve in his body.

"Where's my hat?"

River's lips quirked and glanced at the door over her shoulder. It was the door to the airlock.

Jayne howled and shot down the last few steps till he was standing in front of her. He froze as River's finger positioned itself over a certain button he knew all too well. "Don't you dare!"

"She won't." River's words were supremely smug. "If he sticks to the terms. Quid pro quo!" she practically sang.

Jayne licked his lips. "You can't be serious."

River just raised an eyebrow at him.

"Look, girl." Jayne tried to keep the desperation out of his voice. "You don't wanna kiss me – you want a nice Core boy who'll... who'll treat you right and... and... buy you, er, ribbons and stuff!"

River's answering look could have written volumes on Jayne's stupidity. "The woman never meets any Core boys. The Captain and her brother won't let Rim boys anywhere near her. She cannot kiss the Captain or her brother – that leaves Jayne." She sounded cheerful about this conclusion.

Jayne tried again. "You don't wanna kiss me!" he repeated. "Nasty ape-man – remember?"

The appraising look she gave him, moving her eyes slowly up and down his frame, made his own widen with panicked indignation.

"Simians have their positive points."

"Gorramit, Crazy!" Jayne was just about ready to stamp the floor like a gorram tearful girl. "This is blackmail!"

River shrugged, apparently totally unconcerned. "Quid pro quo," she said again.

"Ruttin' hell!" he muttered. He weighed things up in his mind. A few moments of discomfort kissin' Moonbrain and riskin' bein' flushed out the airlock, or havin' to face his Ma and explain he'd lost the hat she spent four months knittin'...

There was no contest.

Drawing a deep breath for courage, he leant forward and quickly touched his lips to River's. He'd tried to plump for the briefest of pecks on the lips, hoping she'd be satisfied. He was bitterly disappointed but unsurprised when River pursed her lips and regarded him with ticked-off disapproval. "She said she's a woman, not a grandmother. Kiss me properly, Jayne." Her tone managed to promise all kinds of threats if he didn't, but he still couldn't quite make himself step forward and do as she asked. Somethin' about this whole set-up had Jayne jumpy as a cat.

Jayne wasn't used to bein' hunted. He was the one in charge when it came to women – he decided when and who, and paid them well for their troubles. He liked it that way. Simple, straightforward fun. He wasn't used to the female dictatin' the terms, takin' charge. Least of all a  _guài dàn_ who was missin' half a brain and apparently could kill him with the remaining half. She was so... calm about the whole thing.

Jayne mighta accepted she could best him at hand-to-hand, but this? This was pouring lemon juice on the cut, and he resented it.

"Just stand still," she commanded. "The woman will do the rest."

"Ruttin' hell," he groaned, but obediently closed his eyes.

River's voice was amused. "The boy is cute when he blushes."

Now that was takin' things too far! Jayne's eyes shot open, mouth opening too, to make clear just how much exception he took to that statement, but any protestations were cut off as River's arms twined round his neck and her mouth pressed to his.

Jayne's eyes bulged, but he managed not to bolt. His hands fluttered, uncertain where to be. In the end they settled in the dip of her waist, a small part of his mind noting how finely made Crazy was – like a china doll – his hands almost spanning her middle. But this china doll was warm and soft and pliant beneath his hands. Her petal-soft lips moved inexpertly against his. Against his better judgement and wishes, his body was starting to respond.

Jayne hadn't kissed a woman in a long while, but apparently it was like ridin' a horse – you never really forgot – and no sooner had you got a filly underneath you again, it was all you could do not to go hell for leather. Jayne's hands flexed against River's waist, but he managed to keep a lid on his thoughts. Kissin' was... nice. He'd forgotten how good it felt just to have a woman in his arms and hold her close. Take in her scent – jasmine – and trace her body... wait? What? Jayne just managed to snatch his hands back from where they had started to caress River's sides. Shocked, he pulled his head back.

River sighed. Her lips were slightly swollen, and her glazed eyes were even larger than usual. She wet her lips. Whether from instinct or 'cos they felt dry, he didn't know, but her tongue poked out to lick them, and just like that Jayne's control broke.

With a growl, his hands shot out and pulled her in, closer than she had been before, mouldin' her body to his so he could feel every shiny curve of her. One hand found its way into her long, dark hair and fisted there, holding her in place so that he could do what he wanted: kiss her senseless.

River gasped as his mouth crashed down on hers, firmer and more demanding than before. She tentatively matched him at first, then grew bolder, tugging on the short hairs on the back of his neck, as she sought to bring him closer. She tasted like purest spring water and honey. Jayne felt dazed.

Figured the gorram genius would be just as good at kissin' as everythin' else.

Determined not to let the student surpass the master, he backed her up against the door, arms either side of her head, tongue darting out to dip between her lips. River's head snapped back in startlement, lightly smacking the glass behind her. He paused, looking into her eyes, ready to move back if it was too much for her. Her eyes were so dark, they appeared black in the dim lighting, but he could see no fear in them. Instead, she stepped forward into his embrace, cupped her hands round his face, and lovingly traced the shape of his mouth with her tongue.

_Tā me_ _de_ , she was a fast learner!

Jayne found himself groaning, and the kiss shifted once more, turning tender, but no less intense. It was as if he'd been starvin' his lips all this time, and all of a sudden they had been presented with the most delicious, perfect banquet imaginable. He didn't want it to stop...

He could kiss River forever.

Jayne froze on this thought. What...?

Horrified, he jumped away from her. River's ivory skin was delicately flushed and she was panting lightly. Mutely, she raised her arms out to him. "Jayne..." she breathed. To his horror, he felt himself leaning towards her again.

Was she a gorram witch on top of everythin' else?!

Clearly, she couldn't be trusted! Or he couldn't be trusted around her... Whatever it was, there was no trustin' to be had! All he knew was, if he stared at her much longer, he'd be lost all over again. So, Jayne did the only thing thing he could think of – something that would haunt him in his bunk for many days to come, causin' him to blush like a ruttin' pansy: he turned and ran.

* * *

Bracing her wayward legs, which no longer seemed fully capable of holding her weight, River stood upright and tried to calm her racing heart. Depressing the button to release the door, she retrieved the hat from the airlock then brought it up to her nose, inhaling deeply; enjoying its distinctive scent. It was almost as good as smelling it on Jayne's skin.

Almost.

Her pulse picked up again, and a smile flickered about her mouth. "A topper for a heart," she whispered.

She loved quid pro quo.

* * *

**Glossary:**

_**fēng diān –**_ crazy

**_hún dàn –_** bastard

**_mei-mei –_** little sister

_**tā me** _ _**de –**  f***!_


End file.
